Saturday, 30 April 2011
Uhyea
The morning was gloomy and wet and windy. I never minded a day like that though. That was because one of my favorite places in the world was my bedroom. In my room, I could entertain myself for weeks, maybe months with my guitar, Ipad, junk foods and if I had enough art supplies. So the weather didnt bother me.
It didnt bother my little brother, Didi, either. Unlike most of normal eleven-years-old, he will usually read his comics because he liked them. I once heard him say, 'Story books is my world, cartoon feeds my soul' which sounds gross. On this damp late-April, Sunday. I am not happy. Lets skip that one.
A bag of M&M's lay open on my bed, I dont feel like eating, Im losing my appetite and I was trying to concentrate on my exams which is just around the corner and my painting. I was working for art class, but what was really on my mind was my exams!
I needed to work out on my own revisions and notes and I wanted to do it on my own, without outside interference- In other words, without suggestions from my parents.
I was different from everyone else in my family and friends. I mean, I knew everyone was different. That was what grown ups always said, usually to make you feel better about something, but well everyone is different anyway. But I happened to think I was more different from the rest of my family and friends than they were from each other.
Mom and dad were all proper and serious. And then there was me. I do my own things and let them scratching their heads, and I sat in my room and painted, blogging or gave myself new hairstles, taking picture with it while they worked.
It didnt bother my little brother, Didi, either. Unlike most of normal eleven-years-old, he will usually read his comics because he liked them. I once heard him say, 'Story books is my world, cartoon feeds my soul' which sounds gross. On this damp late-April, Sunday. I am not happy. Lets skip that one.
A bag of M&M's lay open on my bed, I dont feel like eating, Im losing my appetite and I was trying to concentrate on my exams which is just around the corner and my painting. I was working for art class, but what was really on my mind was my exams!
I needed to work out on my own revisions and notes and I wanted to do it on my own, without outside interference- In other words, without suggestions from my parents.
I was different from everyone else in my family and friends. I mean, I knew everyone was different. That was what grown ups always said, usually to make you feel better about something, but well everyone is different anyway. But I happened to think I was more different from the rest of my family and friends than they were from each other.
Mom and dad were all proper and serious. And then there was me. I do my own things and let them scratching their heads, and I sat in my room and painted, blogging or gave myself new hairstles, taking picture with it while they worked.
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
I share....
Dad is very protective than mom is. He will probably going to sms me everytime when I hang out with my friends. It will sounds like this.
Please Do takecare of yourself.
Come back home before maghrib.
Eat a proper foods.
and Blablabla!
Love, dad.
Then I will picked up his calls to let him know that I was alive.
Mom is also same as dad but a little bit different. She will leave a note on the table, propped against a glass if I was left alone at home. It read:
1. Eat your breakfast and be sure it includes fruit.
2. Run the washing machine.
3. Take the ground beef out of the freezer so we can have burgers for supper.
Love, Mom.
What is going on with thisssssss! >.<'
So probably after that, I will checked the locks on all our door to make sure no one could sneak up on me while I was in the bathroom or not paying attention. Then I will eat my fruits. Finally, I got around to have my favorite activity: Watching Dc cupcakes on chanel 711 and lived up my barbie dolls on my bed and undressed them.
27Apr
My room was so yellow that sometimes I would lay in bed and feel as if I were drowning in a sunflower. My rug was yellow, my tables around the corner were yellow, the curtains fabric was light yellow and the curtains themselves are not tied back. Sadly, yellow was my least favorite colour. (I liked orange and purple) But my dad had decorated the room for me when I was 14 and that was what he'd thought a little girl would like. Haha, thanks dad.
Right now...
I lay in my bed thought about Rypeen's offer the night before. Am I ready to come during this friday at his cousin's house? Well, I wanted to! I tried to imagine the conversations in which I would ask my father if I could come. "Dad," I would say, "My friend ask me something lastnight.." My dad would look at me and see his girl and say "Yes?" (Instead of yeah?) "What did he ask you?"
"He ask me if i could come at his cousin's house tonight.." At this point, my imagination ground! What I hoped my father would then say was "Great! If you wish honey, just dont come back home late.." But what I was pretty sure he would actually say was "Atul, thats out of the questions! You're not old enough to go out at night, who will look after you there? I dont even know who's you're going to go out with!" Which was a lame arguement for a lawyer to make. *Sighed and rolled over* What should I duuuuuuuuuu? :(
Right now...
I lay in my bed thought about Rypeen's offer the night before. Am I ready to come during this friday at his cousin's house? Well, I wanted to! I tried to imagine the conversations in which I would ask my father if I could come. "Dad," I would say, "My friend ask me something lastnight.." My dad would look at me and see his girl and say "Yes?" (Instead of yeah?) "What did he ask you?"
"He ask me if i could come at his cousin's house tonight.." At this point, my imagination ground! What I hoped my father would then say was "Great! If you wish honey, just dont come back home late.." But what I was pretty sure he would actually say was "Atul, thats out of the questions! You're not old enough to go out at night, who will look after you there? I dont even know who's you're going to go out with!" Which was a lame arguement for a lawyer to make. *Sighed and rolled over* What should I duuuuuuuuuu? :(
Bored
"School's out, school's out! Teacher wore her bloomers out!"
I probably had nothing to do tonight, nothing. Wonderful, glorious nothing. that is the beauty of homeworks done :p Well, not really nothing. I think I'll watch some dvd's.
Im bored, hmm. So lets talk about the things that poops out from my mind right now. I miss my cousins :( Caylee, Zira and I had grown up. It was weird to think that 13 years earlier we had all been babies. Our parents were young then. I really miss that moment! Where mom and dad were having their first baby (Which is me) :p Had our parents hang out together and where mom was a singer. We guys have shared tones of memories that will never gonna fade away from my heart. Im the eldest, caylee comes after me and zira was the youngest one. We often meet each other now sometimes and we still walking arms in arms like we used to when we were little. Also hurried hand in hand when we're late for something. Hehe :p
I love you, cousins! :)
Bytheway, mom will be out for a party with dad this saturday and I'll be incharge of my little brothers that night. I guess they can be on their own so I dont really care. She also remind me everything that Ive always heard when she was about to go somewhere.
"Kaka, you know what the emergency numbers are.." Epic Fail!
Hmm, dad~
Fact: Mr Roslan was the strictiest parent Ive ever met but I know my dad has to let me grown up sometime. It would be fun which I cant wait to grow old :(
So now, my mood darkened immediately, I dont know why. My mood was shared by not one single friend or member of my family. All of them seemed happy enough but naah. I just hadnt wanted to think too deeply about my problems. I just ate my dinner and Im full, alhamdulillah. Gotta message my beloved one now. Hehe, later guys!
I probably had nothing to do tonight, nothing. Wonderful, glorious nothing. that is the beauty of homeworks done :p Well, not really nothing. I think I'll watch some dvd's.
Im bored, hmm. So lets talk about the things that poops out from my mind right now. I miss my cousins :( Caylee, Zira and I had grown up. It was weird to think that 13 years earlier we had all been babies. Our parents were young then. I really miss that moment! Where mom and dad were having their first baby (Which is me) :p Had our parents hang out together and where mom was a singer. We guys have shared tones of memories that will never gonna fade away from my heart. Im the eldest, caylee comes after me and zira was the youngest one. We often meet each other now sometimes and we still walking arms in arms like we used to when we were little. Also hurried hand in hand when we're late for something. Hehe :p
I love you, cousins! :)
Bytheway, mom will be out for a party with dad this saturday and I'll be incharge of my little brothers that night. I guess they can be on their own so I dont really care. She also remind me everything that Ive always heard when she was about to go somewhere.
"Kaka, you know what the emergency numbers are.." Epic Fail!
Hmm, dad~
Fact: Mr Roslan was the strictiest parent Ive ever met but I know my dad has to let me grown up sometime. It would be fun which I cant wait to grow old :(
So now, my mood darkened immediately, I dont know why. My mood was shared by not one single friend or member of my family. All of them seemed happy enough but naah. I just hadnt wanted to think too deeply about my problems. I just ate my dinner and Im full, alhamdulillah. Gotta message my beloved one now. Hehe, later guys!
:)
Its amazing how you always seem to make me smile ♥
I dont ask for much because with you, I have everything I need ♥
I dont ask for much because with you, I have everything I need ♥
He puts that sparkle in her eyes ♥♥♥♥
All my life, ive prayed for someone like you ♥
Past?
I will not forget about the things that everyone have ever did to me in my past, I do forget but Im scared if that things might rewind back against me. I just cant block it out of my mind even in my heart. Its not that easy guys. So please dont ask me not to. CLEAR enough? :')
I need time to get rid of these feelings, there's alot of people who really cares surround me but no one can ever exactly understand. I need time to be alone.. There's no point for me to share about How-I-feel-now with anyone else cause at the end, they cant help me either. How can they help me when I cant even help myself?
:')
I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.
Yes, you will see me smile everyday like nothing bad is happen but its just that Im really good at faking smiles..
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
26Apr
Guys, G O O D E V E N I N G !
I just got back home from komplex sukan mumong to watch on my friends netball tournament. It was super cool! Jealous ku liat durang main netball but too bad, aku inda pandai main. Aku ada telanggar one two netball player tadi and I was like tepelanting. Not really that tepelanting but got hit so bad sampai bahu ku sakit. I know it was an accident, inda sengaja but I gotta tell you this, badan durang ah.. Tough wah! Rugged eh and tinggi tinggi :( I wish I was as tall as them.
First game for upper is from Perdana wazir and Chung ching (Not sure about the spelling) Perdana score 12 and chung score 0. Bohoooo! :p
Second game is Perdana wazir and Pjn. Also 12 but pjn score 1 saja.
Third game is the worst :( Perdana wazir Vs Smpap. 5-8. Just 3 points saja lagi but I should be proud of them lah cause they manage to score at least 5. Ive heard that trainer from smpap atu main import. English, she's freakin tall. Intake lama really not that handal but now they've already shown their so call 'kehandalan'.
So tomorrow I'll be watching them lagi lawan Aac and Smsa if im not mistaken. Cant wait! All the best for you guys! :)
And oh, please catch me up on my next post! Hehe :p
I just got back home from komplex sukan mumong to watch on my friends netball tournament. It was super cool! Jealous ku liat durang main netball but too bad, aku inda pandai main. Aku ada telanggar one two netball player tadi and I was like tepelanting. Not really that tepelanting but got hit so bad sampai bahu ku sakit. I know it was an accident, inda sengaja but I gotta tell you this, badan durang ah.. Tough wah! Rugged eh and tinggi tinggi :( I wish I was as tall as them.
First game for upper is from Perdana wazir and Chung ching (Not sure about the spelling) Perdana score 12 and chung score 0. Bohoooo! :p
Second game is Perdana wazir and Pjn. Also 12 but pjn score 1 saja.
Third game is the worst :( Perdana wazir Vs Smpap. 5-8. Just 3 points saja lagi but I should be proud of them lah cause they manage to score at least 5. Ive heard that trainer from smpap atu main import. English, she's freakin tall. Intake lama really not that handal but now they've already shown their so call 'kehandalan'.
So tomorrow I'll be watching them lagi lawan Aac and Smsa if im not mistaken. Cant wait! All the best for you guys! :)
And oh, please catch me up on my next post! Hehe :p
Friday, 22 April 2011
I miss u
I kinda miss talking to him everyday like we used to. Talk as friends, talking about everything and anything all day everyday. Spilling our emotions, talking about our problems., everything. I just miss when we used to talk.. But its different now and it kinda hurts. It still hurts knowing you're so far away.. I wish I could meet and have you now where we would rely on each other but thats so impossible :')
Monday, 18 April 2011
Him
Whenever he's away, I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do with myself. We hang out almost every day and I don't enjoy hanging out with anyone else, I never do. I wanted to spend every second with him. I feel so bad when he's gone. I feel like if we broke up, my life would have no meaning. I know my age comes into play with this too, and I feel immature about the situation but I just can't help it, Im loving him way too much :')
I was recently asked why I love my boyfriend so much. This simple question stuck in my head and I kept wondering why I love him? I believe there can’t be any reasons to truly love someone. But showing someone how much they mean to you, always brings them closer. I try to sit down and began to jot down few reasons why I love my boyfriend.. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
1. He always put me before himself.
2. He can tell when something is wrong with me.
3. He does things I like, even if he doesn’t like them.
4. He knows how to bring a smile to my face.
5. He patiently listens to all my stories, about the things that happened to me through the day.
6. He makes me feel like to be a better person
7. When he makes the cutest facial expressions :p
8. He respects me.
9. His charm and charisma.
10. His patience with me even if I push him to the limit sometimes.
11. His warm smile.
12. How he always can make me laugh or smile even at times when I don’t want to :p
13. How he can get me out of a bad mood.
14. How he is always concerned about me.
15. How we both get along so well.
16. How we stay up too late talking about nothing.
17. I can be myself when I'm with him.
18. I am always comfortable with him and never awkward.
19. I love how he calls me baby.
20. I love to hear his voice over the phone.
21. Just glancing at each other from far away and we know what each other is thinking :p
22. The way he comforts me when I cry for no reason on the phone.
23. The little looks he gives me when we are around family and friends.
24. The way he forgives me straight away when I do or say something that makes him angry.
25. The way he talks.
26. The way his arms feel around me.
27. When we argue about who loves who most.
28. The way he always find me beautiful, even when I look like a clown.
29. The way he hold my hands.
30. His eyes, his lips and his silky hair.
I know how much he loves me, I can tell by the way he looks at me that he's grateful for every moment he has with me and I feel the same way too... So although we've hit some rough patches along the way, I can't wait to marry him & have his children. I want to grow old with him and from the bottom of my heart I know he wants the same. He's amazing, smart and fun... He's everything I could ask for in a man. Even my friends tell me that they can feel the love between us when they're around. I'm bitchy, and I pick at little things, but lately, being around my cousins and best friends, I realize just how lucky I am. He doesn't run off the bars all the time, he doesn't disrespect me, he never ever says mean things to me, and he's just wonderful! He might not be perfect, but he sure is close! :)
♥
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Sad
I don't know if you've ever felt like you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile...I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain. Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again. So when life gets tough you can just play pretend. I wanna go back to when your daddy was the only boy you ever kissed. When Disney World was the best place to be. Where people didn't change and your friends were the same and every time you were sad or you had a bad day, you could just run to mom and it would all be okay. I wanna go back to no hurt and no pain. Just laughter..When everyone always lives happily ever after.
I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more. Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by. I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate?
Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile...I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain. Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again. So when life gets tough you can just play pretend. I wanna go back to when your daddy was the only boy you ever kissed. When Disney World was the best place to be. Where people didn't change and your friends were the same and every time you were sad or you had a bad day, you could just run to mom and it would all be okay. I wanna go back to no hurt and no pain. Just laughter..When everyone always lives happily ever after.
I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more. Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by. I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate?
Q.
She says she doesn't care, but her eyes tell a different story.
Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am...isn't me.
To tell you the truth, I've just been avoiding everything.
Don't say you know me, when I don't even know myself.
I think I'm afraid of being happy because everytime I'm happy, something bad always happens.
I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish god didn't trust me so much.
When I do something great, no one ever seems to remember, but when I do something wrong, no one can ever seem to forget.
There is only one rain cloud in the sky...and it's raining on me. Somehow I'm not surprised. I wake up and think dreams are real. I sleep so I don't have to feel.
I don't deserve you...I never did.
Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand.
No matter what, no matter who, no matter what I do, somebody hates me.
I didn't want to admit it. It was easier to lie. Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry.
I've learned it takes years to build up trust, but only seconds to destroy it.
Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault.
Why can't you just love me for who I am?
When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is...how can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning.
Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay?Have you ever lived my life, have you ever spent one minute in my shoes? If you haven't, then tell me why you judge me like you do.
Every morning you get up and put on a fake smile...but what if one morning you didn't? Would anyone notice?
Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am...isn't me.
To tell you the truth, I've just been avoiding everything.
Don't say you know me, when I don't even know myself.
I think I'm afraid of being happy because everytime I'm happy, something bad always happens.
I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish god didn't trust me so much.
When I do something great, no one ever seems to remember, but when I do something wrong, no one can ever seem to forget.
There is only one rain cloud in the sky...and it's raining on me. Somehow I'm not surprised. I wake up and think dreams are real. I sleep so I don't have to feel.
I don't deserve you...I never did.
Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand.
No matter what, no matter who, no matter what I do, somebody hates me.
I didn't want to admit it. It was easier to lie. Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry.
I've learned it takes years to build up trust, but only seconds to destroy it.
Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault.
Why can't you just love me for who I am?
When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is...how can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning.
Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay?Have you ever lived my life, have you ever spent one minute in my shoes? If you haven't, then tell me why you judge me like you do.
Every morning you get up and put on a fake smile...but what if one morning you didn't? Would anyone notice?
..
I got nothing to do right now. Im just waiting for him to text me up, he's away for a while.
Dear You,
Im madly inlove with you and dont you know that?
You're different now, I can see it from the way you treat me..
The way you texted me, but still I dont care and deep inside me,
Im slowly breaking..
Ive tried not to think negative about you and all that..
Cause I dont wanna lose you, I dont wanna end up being hurt..
Im giving you all my trust but this is what I got..
I just cant explain about your feelings on me anymore..
Who am I to you? :')
Dear You,
Im madly inlove with you and dont you know that?
You're different now, I can see it from the way you treat me..
The way you texted me, but still I dont care and deep inside me,
Im slowly breaking..
Ive tried not to think negative about you and all that..
Cause I dont wanna lose you, I dont wanna end up being hurt..
Im giving you all my trust but this is what I got..
I just cant explain about your feelings on me anymore..
Who am I to you? :')
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Would you just listen?
Would you just listen and please don't say a word, just yet,
I'd like you to think back to the very first time we met,
How you felt around me? The memories we shared,
And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared.
But now I'd like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit.
The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, for so many years,
I'll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears,
Slowly I am rebuilding my life, I am content with what I've got,
And although it is hard I am beginning to forget what I have not.
You were a special part of my life that I will never forget, A part of my life that broke my heart, but that I don't regret,
You gave me some happy memories that I'll keep in my heart,
Although sometimes I wish that you and I didn't have to part.
You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so,
After all of the heartache, sadness and never ending pain, I know,
You and I had something special and that will never change,
Because I love you and loving someone else will always seem strange.
Would you just listen and please don't say a word, not ever,
I'd like you to remember that once upon a time, we said forever,That I had hopes and dreams, that I was the one who threw them away,And this is something I will always regret until my dying day.
I'd like you to think back to the very first time we met,
How you felt around me? The memories we shared,
And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared.
But now I'd like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit.
The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, for so many years,
I'll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears,
Slowly I am rebuilding my life, I am content with what I've got,
And although it is hard I am beginning to forget what I have not.
You were a special part of my life that I will never forget, A part of my life that broke my heart, but that I don't regret,
You gave me some happy memories that I'll keep in my heart,
Although sometimes I wish that you and I didn't have to part.
You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so,
After all of the heartache, sadness and never ending pain, I know,
You and I had something special and that will never change,
Because I love you and loving someone else will always seem strange.
Would you just listen and please don't say a word, not ever,
I'd like you to remember that once upon a time, we said forever,That I had hopes and dreams, that I was the one who threw them away,And this is something I will always regret until my dying day.
Thursday, 7 April 2011
8Apr
Rafi is 13 and I just turned 16 last year. Mom said we look so much alike. I couldnt decide if that was a compliment or not. I guess its true. Rafi and I are both tall and plumpy like dad :P Everyone says we have serious face. We may look alike but we're really not that similar. Im alot more patient than he is. A lot more sensible. Probably because Im older and because Im a girl.
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