Past?

I will not forget about the things that everyone have ever did to me in my past, I do forget but Im scared if that things might rewind back against me. I just cant block it out of my mind even in my heart. Its not that easy guys. So please dont ask me not to. CLEAR enough? :')
I need time to get rid of these feelings, there's alot of people who really cares surround me but no one can ever exactly understand. I need time to be alone.. There's no point for me to share about How-I-feel-now with anyone else cause at the end, they cant help me either. How can they help me when I cant even help myself?
:')
 I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.
Yes, you will see me smile everyday like nothing bad is happen but its just that Im really good at faking smiles..